


Every Superhero Needs a Theme song

by Indigomountain



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: 60s marvel theme songs, Bad Puns, Crack, Gen, Singing, This Is STUPID
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-19
Updated: 2018-11-19
Packaged: 2019-08-25 20:37:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16667875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Indigomountain/pseuds/Indigomountain
Summary: Clint writes theme songs for all of the other Avengers... well except for Natasha because she said that she would skin him starting at his toes so he was not going to do that. Natasha didn’t joke about skinning people, or really threats in general. If she said she would do something it was a promise you could take to the bank good or bad.





	Every Superhero Needs a Theme song

Captain America was the first. Clint had worked for whole minutes to get it perfect. As the first real superhero, Clint was adamant that he was the most deserving of a theme song.

The team was facing off against DoomBots, an easy fight to be sure, the man never knew when to quit but he also never learned from past mistakes. Clint had a lovely perch on the roof of a bakery on Twenty Fourth Street, he could see everything and there was the pervasive smell of cookies.

They were ripping through flying robots like wet tissue paper. Tony was having a competition with Steve to see who could down the most in one move, the two of them completely ignored when Clint knocked one flying doom bot into a grouping of five more sending them all crashing to the ground. It was a wonderful shot and deserved recognition damn it!

Steve bounced his shield off four different bots before catching it again, “That’s four Shell Head! Try to keep up, would ya?”

It was time to get even; if they weren't going to admire his super shooting then they would just have to admire his new theme song for the good captain. He had been saving it for Steve’s birthday but now was just as good, “When Captain America throws his mighty shield!” Clint sang over the comms it had to be the campiest most awful thing to be sung since the sixties. God how he loved it.

“Clint, what is that?” Tony was laughing even as he put a hole through a bot with a Repulsor.

“All those who chose to oppose his shield must yield. If he's led to a fight and a duel is due,” Everyone but Steve seemed very amused with the whole thing. Steve was whispering ‘why me?’ over and over again.

“At least it rhymes Cap, it could be worse,” Natasha chimed in, and considering she had been there when he was working on it she would know.

“Could it? Could it really? He’s singing out of tune, I don’t even know the song and I can tell that. Is this a real song? Because I hate it. Clint stop hogging the comms with this crap,” Steve said in his sternest captain voice.

“Language!” Was shouted from several different places. Steve just sighed, having given up that particular fight long ago.

“Then the red and the white and the blue'll come through. When Captain America throws his mighty shield,” All and all Clint couldn’t have hoped for a better reception.

“Is it over? Please Clint never sing that again,” Steve begged. The cackling over the comms promised nothing. He was definitely going to break that beauty out for Steve birthday.

  
  
***

 

Next came Iron Man. It was perhaps even worse than the last one if Clint said so himself, he was very proud. In the middle of a debrief at Shield, during a lull in the conversation while everyone was reading over the report that was dry as a bone Clint started singing just to relieve his boredom.

“Tony Stark, makes you feel. He’s a cool exec with a heart of steal,” What made this worse, besides the lyrics, was the fact that it wasn’t over the private comms; a room of Shield personnel was also watching this horror show, “As Iron Man all jets ablaze, he fights and smites with Repulsor rays. Amazing armor! That’s Iron Man. A blazing power! That’s Iron Man,” He was pretty sure his balls receded into his body on that last note.

“Clint why!” Tony shouted. There were agents with access to the security cameras here and no telling whether one of them would decide that little ditty was prime YouTube material. Then Tony would be hearing it forever. Clint could only hope someone was brave enough to face Fury’s wrath and bring that gift to the world.

“I think we should have theme songs. No one else was in any hurry to get on that so I decided to do it. You don’t like it?” See he seemed innocent but Clint was a master manipulator, he had the trash panda pity me look going and it worked more often than not. So when he sat there with his three day stubble, hole covered sweat pants, and a teary expression he could see how Tony tried to be strong.

“No, I don’t,” and he didn’t, it was terrible. Everyone knew that. Clint knew that. The lip wobble was a deadly weapon though and he was sure it had nothing to do with Tony’s sudden change of heart, “I love it,” He lied through his teeth.

Fuck it, Clint wasn’t going to wait and hope for some shield agent to grow a pair, he was going to put this on the internet himself. He would be trending by tomorrow!

Clint could see that Tony immediately realized he’d been had, well even before he caved Clint was sure he knew he’d been had, but Clint’s smug smirking face really brought it home.

***

The next to go was Thor. The difference was Thor was absolutely ecstatic, pun very much intended, to have another song written about him.

It happened when almost everyone was sitting around the breakfast table in the common room, waiting for pancakes that Steve was oh so graciously making. Even Tony was there even though he was probably having his last meal of the day rather than his first.

Thor was late to rise today so everyone else was present to see his strut into the room buck ass naked. The man truly had no shame, Clint could only aspire to give that few shits.

Steve turned a wonderful shade of pink but no one else put up much of a fuss. It wasn’t the first time Thor had forgone clothes and if how the past conversations on the subject were any hint it wouldn't be the last. At least it was a nice view.

The only real difference this time from any other was Clint who sat up and cleared his throat, seeing the perfect opportunity, “’Cross the Rainbow Bridge of Asgard, where the booming heavens roar. You’ll behold in breathless wonder, The God of Thunder, Mighty Thor!” He sang as loud as possible while waving his hand at Thor’s hammer, and by hammer he meant penis.

“It’s too early for this shit,” Tony complained into his coffee, never mind that he had probably been up for twenty some hours already.

“Friend Clinton, over the centuries I have had many bards write songs of me though none were so... Interesting,” Thor said with a smile, he seemed genuinely happy to have such a dreadful song written about him.

 

***

 

Bruce's song was last. It was without a doubt unequivocally the worst of them all.

The rest of the team was sitting on various couches and chairs, settling in for movie night when Clint came skipping in to the living room. He took in the room with a smile; he could see that set off warning bells in Tony's head. His sense of danger proved to be spot on when Clint started another of his songs, “Doc Bruce Banner, Belted by gamma rays, Turned into the Hulk. Ain’t he unglamo-rays!”

Steve had his head in his hands before he thought better of it and covered his ears. Tony threw a pillow at the archer but the man pranced out of the way, still singing, “Wreckin’ the town  
with the power of a bull. Ain’t no monster clown Who is as lovable. As ever-lovin’ Hulk! HULK! HULK!”

“Clint,” Bruce started in the voice he used when he was trying to count to a thousand in his head, “if you ever sing that again the Hulk is going to pop your head off like a child with a daisy.”

“Noted,” Clint whispered, looking rather pale. Maybe that one wasn’t his best idea…

 

***

 

Everything was quiet for a while after that. Everyone else had probably figured it was over, considering Clint wouldn’t be stupid enough to make one for Natasha. He knew better, he didn’t want to die just yet.

He had one more song, and he wanted to make sure it caught on. Tony had been cruel and had an his AI watching for the video of Clint’s Iron Man song on every social media platform he had tried so far, every time he put it up it was immediately taken down. This time there wouldn’t be that option.

They were at one of the many press conferences they did. He just had to bide his time, iit didn’t ever take that long.

“Mr. Barton, what’s your opinion on Doom?” A reporter towards the front asked.

He smiled and leaned into the microphone, “That’s a wonderful question but I don’t really want to talk about Doom, I’d rather do this,” He took a big breath and saw the looks of growing horror from Steve Tony and Bruce, they knew what was going to happen. Natasha did too but she would never wear that face. Thor even if he did know probably didn’t care.

“Meet the sulky over-bulky kinda’ hulky superhero! Optimistic and electrically transistored superhero. An exotically neurotic patriotic superhero. The Marvelous Super Heroes have arrived!” This was his best one yet, the reports were all super interested in his theme song. This one was going to catch on, Clint was sure of it, “Super powered from the forehead to the toes.”

Steve made a grab for his mic but Clint had planned for that. He vaulted over the table and into the reporter pit, every one of them held out their microphone to make sure they got the whole thing, “Watch them change their very shape before your nose. See a cane-striking superhero change to Viking superhero. A humdingin’ real swinging shield flinging superhero.”

Steve looked like he was going to follow and make a grab for him but Tony caught his wrist before their fearless leader could make a spectacle. A shame really, it would have been a hoot. Clint could wriggle better than any greased up pig.

“They’re the latest they’re the greatest ultimatest superheroes. The Marvelous Super Heroes have arrived!” He finished with a bow.

Not one to hog the stage Clint took off running. He would probably go spend a nice vacation in a safe house somewhere far away, just until everyone realized how much they liked having a theme song.

**Author's Note:**

> I just finished a twelve day work week. I am mentally exhausted but I've also been thinking about this stupid idea for weeks.  
> I love comments so let me know if you liked it.


End file.
